Have you been touched by his noodly appendage?
by Zeno Telos
Think of ten gods you have contemplated worshiping and write about each one, explaining the factors you considered and what your final decision was. Some of your questions may have been, “How do I know which God to worship? How can I distinguish between them and know I am worshiping the right one?” When you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill.
Tough questions. Here are my top ten picks for things to mull over:
1) Coolness. Since we can’t know ultimately what the right choice is, this school of thought says go for the fashionable. And what can be more hip than worshiping gods with animal heads? Top choices here are the elephant-head god, Vishnu, still in vogue after thousands of years in South-Asia, or go totally retro and take on the long-lost dog-head god Anubis. This latter choice is highly recommended for Europeans and Americans, who already treat their four-legged friends as deities.
2) Tradition. Greek Orthodoxy tops the list here- that is the original Greek Orthodox. Zeus and his 12 gods of Olympus are timeless supernatural powers. The fact that there are gods for different activities like war, dying, love, and partying, helps explain a lot on earth that monotheistic religions can’t (Why would one all-powerful and loving god create AIDS, cancer, birth defects, earthquakes, mass murder, alongside wine, music, dancing, and romance?) With this ancient Greek belief-system, its simple: we have chaos on earth because we have chaos in the cosmos. The animal sacrifices to your favorite Olympian and getting bathed in warm olive oil are added bonuses.
3) Science. A pretty boring thing to base your life around, but it will work for those factual fuddy-duddies who enjoy Stephen Hawking (yawn!), Einstein (hair says everything) and Copernicus (didn’t he invent copper?). These bookworms have none other than the Flying Spaghetti Monster to worship as their deity. Yes, when Lord Cheeses touches you with his noodley appendage (praise be to the Lord Cheeses), enlightenment fills you like a helping of three-meat cannelloni. This is the religion that uses hard science to back up its beliefs. Charts, graphs, excavations, biology, chemistry, and the whole arsenal of modern science are brought forth in black and white proof to give the believer a sense of comfort knowing the fixed and unchanging truths of the universe. Like, for example, the fact that global warming, earthquakes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s. Not to mention daily witnesses who post their sightings on the internet. If you’re a skeptical factoid, this one’s for you. RAmen.
4) Drugs. Native American gods are something to contemplate if you like the idea of taking peyote or salvia and walking through walls into the Spirit World. Imagine getting lost in the wilderness and a glowing eagle swoops down and hands you a spear of life. Pretty wicked, huh? Just say yes to this religion if you’re in college, a hippie, or Perry Farrell. Dude, did you see the size of that chicken?
5) Human Sacrifice. If you’ve ever had dreams of sacrificing 20,000 humans in a week to make sure your future sons are healthy or the cocoa beans are extra dark this year, then Cihuacoatyl, the Aztec fertility goddess, or Macuilxochitl, the god of the harvest, can help out. Don’t worry about pronouncing their names, they’ll be happy enough if you start lopping heads off. Remember before chopping off those craniums to first cut the victims’ hearts out, afterwards slice the limbs off, and finally toss the bodies from the temple. Skulls should be displayed on a giant rack (the Tzompantli) to display your fidelity. No more boring church services to sit through with these guys!
6) Harry Potter. For fans of feminine mysticism and Hogwartian high jinx, Wicca is your school. As a witch or wizard, you get to worship all things natural and supernatural: forests, animals, power crystals, tarot decks, bed knobs, and broomsticks. Mother earth is your power and you can channel magic through her. Even Volde…whoops, almost said his name…even “you know who”…is no match for these spellbinding sisters. Expecto Patronum!
7) Vikings. Odin and Thor are serious contenders when it comes to divine devotion. Thor’s hammer even has a kick-ass name: Mjöllnar (pronounced something like: Myeeal-nar, although its easier to say on half a bottle of cough syrup). One important detail is that Loki, the evil god, invades and destroys the Viking heaven – Valhalla – and kills the chief gods of the good guys, including Odin and Thor. So if you’re one of the bad guys on this planet, this choice is your best bet because in this religion, you win! Could be why these beliefs didn’t last, or perhaps because the Vikings moved to Northern France and started speaking French. Not a very Viking thing to do.
8) Glen Danzig. (Pretty sure his middle name is Oliver.) Danzig is Jim Morrison and Elvis reincarnated into the body of a demonic midget. It’s rumored that Johnny Cash sold his soul to this new Man in Black. As a god of darkness, skulls, and album covers, he dethroned Dio ages ago as the most Satanic living rocker. Lyrics to ponder when choosing whether to worship the big D -
· ”devil on the left, angel on the right, there’s no mistake who I’ll be with tonight”
· ”love is a flame, a devil’s thing, a violent storm, about to be born.”
· ”cause the things that I cause have the seal of the dead in humanity’s fading glow”
Now you just need to decide if you want that “twist o’ Cain from the god below”.
9) Destructive capacity. If you’re looking for gods who can help you obliterate this world and every living thing on it, then Sumerian gods are definitely the way to go. If Gozar the Gozerian doesn’t do it for you, try Tiamat, the multi-headed dragon goddess, or Marduk, the Babylonian defeater of the dragons of chaos and creator of the universe. These beasties will bring hellfire from the sky with forty years of darkness to boot. So if you want “dogs and cats living together”, put down the Stay-Puft marshmallows and pick up that copy of the Necronomicon today.
10) Dungeons and Dragons. If you like rolling 20-sided dice to do some serious hit-point damage against a Behemoth land monster, then the Judeo-Christian faith is your calling. The Dungeon Masters Guide to these beliefs – the Bible - has it all! As you worship, you can vicariously live through the lives of the heroes of this renowned religion: Establish a kingdom and have a hundred brides as you leave mystical gardens protected by giant flaming swords. Enter a world where a 1st level fighter kills a giant, a sexy thief sleeps with kings and cuts their heads off, and a cleric/magic-user can raise the dead and use “water to wine” spells for the party! Choose your traveling companions wisely as you journey through the epic adventure where Beelzebub, the god of dark, battles for eternity against El Shaddai, the god of light. This all comes to a conclusion in the greatest gaming module ending ever – a fiery apocalyptic annihilation for all with the dead coming back to life! You can even choose the image of a bloody, crucified corpse as your mascot. The +3 cup of believing is recommended.
After going over these pros and cons, it came down to this for me: As much as I like watching Mythbusters, life wouldn’t be so colorful solely with science, facts, and reality. Who wants to unweave the rainbow? Therefore, I’m going to have to pass on the FSM as my principal deity. And although I still like to kick out the jams with Iron Maiden’s Powerslave, Anubis and his Egyptian friends will have to wait as well. Danzig is not my final choice either, but I still worship him. In the end, you just gotta love that ol’time religion: the 12 Gods of Olympus. Not only is Clash of the Titans good for the kids, but my soul is calmed knowing that a Delphian priestess getting high off vapors and reading bird entrails can guide me through life’s difficult choices.
