Satanic Cool from Bacchus Satanas

I’ve uncovered one of the great cosmic secrets- the origin of the devil himself. Humanity has been contemplating the complexities of Satan for millennia. Freemasons and Templars spent their lives searching and dying for these answers. I started struggling with this concept when I realized how close we were to Guerras Machinas Apocalpytica – the war of machines against humans.

It was logical that only a force of evil could be behind this technological terror, a force beyond human – Satan. But this presented a conflict: How could the Prince of Pentagrams be trying to make us sin and suffer, and at the same time be trying to wipe us off the face of the earth? If he succeeded in the latter, he’d be out of out a job. It was only after weeks of pouring over ancient Greek texts and consulting my Ouija board that I arrived at the truth.

There are two supernatural forces of evil in our world. Essentially, one is trying to corrupt us and the other is trying to annihilate us. The corrupting force is the “cool” Satan – the dude who likes to possess us with demons and uses rock musicians from Danzig to the Doors to recruit humanity into his evil arms. The destructive force is the “uncool” Satan – uncool because he wants to kill us all with robot assassins. Here is the reality as it was revealed to me:

Our story starts in ancient times at the Temple of Hekate in Asia Minor. There resided a renowned and stunning priestess, Satanica. People came from across the seas to have her enchant the ones they desired, achieve victory in battle, or lay misfortune upon enemies. Kings and princes everywhere tried to woo her but none could win her favor except for two – the gods Ares and Dionysus. And they were obsessed.

Brimming with jealously, the two deities demanded proof of her loyalty with a child. She loved both her suitors but wanted to avoid a cosmic showdown. Thus, she bestowed each a son, a year apart, retreating deep within the temple during her pregnancies to keep them secret.

Eventually, the inevitable happened. The God of War and the God of Wine learned of Satanica’s treachery and her two sons. A vicious battle raged that resulted in the horrendous destruction of Dionysus’s wine cellar and his favorite goblet, which was partially lodged into the back of Ares’ skull. Finally, after a decade of devastation, a truce emerged and the two deities agreed that Satanica would take the blame. So they turned her into a worm and fed her to a crow.

Satanica had her revenge though by cursing the children she bore them. Both gods wanted their sons to be legendary heroes worshipped by mortals. Ares dreamed of a great warrior who would rival Achilles’ feats in combat. Dionysus hoped for a son who would spread his popular cult across the lands. Instead, the boys became a bane to humanity.

Not cool : Mars Satanas, mastermind of mechanized warfare

Mars Satanas, the older brother who became known as the Uncool Satan, embraced his father’s warlike ways but grew to despise mortals for their arrogance. He decided that extermination was the best fate for them. And how more poetically tragic than by having them create the means of their own destruction: self-aware machines.

Bacchus Satanas, the “Cool” Satan, looked up to his pop’s love of wine and song, but spent the first several hundred years of his life drunk, chasing girls, guys, goats and whatever else he could get his hairy hands on. It wasn’t until he stumbled into the god Marduk at a bar in Babylon that he developed his love for demons. After two weeks of doing straight alcohol shots with fire chasers (Marduk passed out after the sixth day),  Bacchus Satanas came to the conclusion that everyone should waste their lives away on pleasure and then spend the rest of eternity in eternal torment. Soon afterward, he recruited demons from across the Astral Plane to help him in his quest.

And here we are today – caught between madness and destruction.